Love, Ashley

“Dear NICU Mama, As another year comes to a close, I hope you celebrate your growth. It can't always be measured, numbered, or felt, but it's there all the same, weaving into the fabric of your experience.

Whether your NICU journey is ongoing or behind you, your growth is ever-present. It can be found in the quiet moments holding your little one amidst the beeps and cords as you're steeped in the unexpected of your NICU journey. It's found in the new moments finally at home with your precious babe, learning them afresh without the constant ins and outs of nurses, noises, and interruptions: just you and them, learning and loving. It's found celebrating the milestones, birthdays, first family visits, trips, and even in the most mundane of the day-to-day: the diaper changes, tummy times, and feeding sessions.

 It's found in the mourning of lost experiences, hopes, and desires for your precious babe. It's found deep within as you navigate motherhood and NICU-hood together, vacillating between immense joys and gratitude while also holding grief and sorrows in the palm of the same hand. This beautiful nuance is such a significant piece of the growth journey, as you learn to embrace the difficult alongside the celebration.

You are growing, ebbing, and flowing like the changing seasons. Your journey is significant, powerful, and purpose-filled. You are strong and capable. Grow on, mama.”

Love,
Ashley

More of Ashley + Jude's NICU Journey:

“My sweet little surprise baby, Jude, continued to surprise us when he was born at 32 weeks and 1 day on March 25th, 2020, 3 lbs 4 oz, at the very start of major pandemic chaos. Having had a routine, healthy pregnancy, his early arrival was a shock in so many ways. We were immediately thrust into the unknown of the NICU world, which was also in the midst of navigating new COVID protocols and procedures. 

Thankfully Jude was healthy and strong, he just needed time to grow. These days felt so disjointed, not knowing exactly how long he'd be there (other than a vague "somewhere around his due date" approximation). I spent every day in the NICU with him while also pumping every two hours day and night. Around 35 weeks we were able to start practicing nursing, which was slow and tedious and required so much patience. He didn't fully get it until we came home and could just relax and be comfortable and not worry about output. 

Finally, after 51 ambiguous days in the NICU, we got to bring our now 5 lb miracle baby home. Jude had to be on oxygen for several months due to his early arrival and being born at altitude, so even though finally home, we still felt a little constrained by a baby who wasn't fully cordless yet. It wasn't until we brought him home and the dust began to settle that I could begin to unpack and process our NICU journey. When you're in it, you're just in it, head down, getting through. The grief, trauma, and mourning unfold in the days beyond, and I believe the greatest gift we can give ourselves is the time and intention to sit with and process through. This is a part of our journey, woven into the fabric of our story. We are so beyond grateful and amazed by Jude's story, and it's an ongoing journey of learning to hold the nuance of the deep grief and immense joy of it all at the same time.”