Love, Joanna
“Dear NICU Mama, You may not know it now, but one day you will be a walking letter of hope for the NICU mama who doubts her feelings, her power, and her strength.
In the NICU, so many decisions are taken away from us. It's easy to feel small and sometimes even like an inconvenience when so many healthcare professionals are passing us by with tunnel vision on their way to our babe’s bassinet. But mama, I hope you can see that it is truly a testimony of your fierce and immense inner-strength that you are able just to show up during the hardest days of your life and give your babe exactly what they need just as much as any medical intervention: your presence, your voice, your body when there, and all of your love, thoughts, and soul when you are not.
Your choice of how your 3rd trimester would go, how your labor and delivery would be, how the first minutes of your baby’s life on the outside would be, how your friends and family would first be introduced to your baby… all of this might have been taken away from you, but no one could ever dim the shine of your presence in the NICU. You were home for your little.
Mama, it is my hope that you can start to view your feelings like a warm hug inside your strong body. When those thoughts of doubt and self-critique creep in, please crawl under the fuzzy blanket behind your heart and cradle those feelings, rocking them back to sleep.
Healing is not a race, and even if it was, it’s okay if you never make it to even see the finish line. You are allowed to mourn the past freely, for as long as you need, while still loving your little fighter baby something fierce. As our loved ones move on with their lives and their requests for updates become few and far between, do know that this is not a sign that you need to close your NICU chapter and ‘move on.’ Because mama, your feelings are still always ready to start the bubble bath and hear how brave and powerful you were then and still are today.”
Love,
Joanna
More of Joanna + ‘s NICU Journey:
Though this mama was NOT ready, Frida decided she was ready to party with her mama on the outside at 34.5 weeks. Testing was done, which all came back normal, so there was no reason for her early arrival other than that she was just a curious girl, ready to experience the magical world around her!
Frida had been enjoying pretty wild 5am dance parties in my belly for about a month, but on June 4th, 2022 in the early morning I woke up and thought, “this does not feel like Frida’s regular partying.” Once we got to the ER, the machine that monitors contractions (a CTG) wasn’t picking up on anything, though I was definitely having intense contractions. The on-call OB came in and was quick to say I was just having “diarrhea,” ready to discharge me home. I requested for a sample to be taken of my vaginal fluid to determine if my water had broken and as I expected… it had! An ER nurse then checked my cervix to see if I was dilated and told the OB I was 0cm.
Quick aside: at my 6-week check-up where I processed my labor, my amazing OB told me that the cervical exam was likely done incorrectly, and that it’s also somewhat common for the CTG to not pick-up on contractions if it’s not strapped around your abdomen tight enough.
With the news that I “wasn’t” dilated, the OB came in and said it would be a long day ahead, and that I wouldn’t go into labor for many, many hours. My contractions were very strong at this point, but we waited to get brought up to L&D. Once finally in the delivery room, I told my nurse I’d like an epidural. She said no, that it was way too early, and had me start filling out paperwork: I had to time my signatures in-between intense contractions. About 10 min. later, with the pen and clipboard in my hands, Frida decided to literally fly out of mama! She came so quickly, that the OB ran in only in time to put one glove on, catching her one handed! My daughter is named after the artist Frida Kahlo and I love that I can share this quote with my Frida one day when I’m telling her about her birth: "Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly.”
I’m forever thankful for therapy and for communities like DNM, but it still is hard to swallow that I arrived at the hospital in active labor, but I was told that day that I wasn’t, many times, by many different healthcare workers. I share all of this information about my labor and delivery in solidarity with all of the other NICU mamas who didn’t feel like their voice was heard, or who were made to feel bad at any point during their birth experience (or after it) for asking for what you wanted or needed. Beautiful mamas, you did nothing wrong!
Frida had a relatively straightforward 13-day NICU stay (sprinkled with some setbacks and scary moments). The main focus of her stay was on needing to master the art of sucking, swallowing and breathing at the same time so that she could eat. I get really emotional thinking about my favorite NICU nurse, and how much she cared for both Frida and mama during those two weeks. I’ll never forget arriving at the NICU on one of many challenging mornings in a dress covered in spilled breast milk, with greasy hair a mess and with bloodshot eyes from crying; lash extensions falling off every time I blinked. That angel of a nurse looked at me and then genuinely complimented me on the color of my hair. When I then gave her a mere teaspoon of pumped breastmilk, she took it so excitedly saying, “Go mom! Great work!” Frida and I would have never survived the NICU without her love and deep care for NICU babies AND their mamas alike!
While my delivery day was certainly not the happiest day of my life, I can safely say bringing Frida home from the NICU was! My Frida continues to live up to her name more and more each day. Just like the artist, she is so very brave, strong-willed and determined. Frida knew she was ready to be born 6 weeks early and wasn’t interested in the world telling her she wasn’t!”
