Love, Tara
“Dear NICU Mama, I see how much courage it took to let go of control.
I feel your ache to hold your baby close to you, to protect them in your arms, when all you can do is look at them through their protective isolette. I recognize the quiver in your throat as you try not to cry when you sense your child needs you but you can’t feed them until their next scheduled meal time, or stimulate them by touching them too often because too much movement is a risk of losing precious calories. I yearn with you when you have to leave the NICU to return to care for your other children, or tend to the life around you that still needs you, and you can’t bring your baby with you. I hear your cries and feel the fear when the medical team delivers news of another set back meaning more unknowns and additional days ahead before your baby can come home.
And I also feel your relief when your baby is placed delicately in your arms, the place that they belong. I champion you in trusting your maternal instincts in the presence of so many medical restrictions and guidelines. I celebrate with you the small victories achieved and milestones reached. And most of all, I walk with you on the day that all the wires and sensors have finally been removed, as you navigate the next season of this journey.
NICU mama, I hope you know your courage is felt by your baby and all around you. And sweet mama, I hope you also know that there is courage in tears.
When you feel alone, please know that I think of you and I admire the courage I know that you have because you are a part of a community of the most courageous women, you are a NICU mama.”
Love,
Tara
More of Tara + Forrest + Tucker’s NICU story:
"Forrest and Tucker are identical (Monochorionic diamniotic) twins who were first diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) at around 16 weeks and later with selective intrauterine growth restriction (sIUGR) after an abnormality was discovered on their placenta and the procedure for TTTS would not be possible. They were not expected to make it past 20 weeks gestation, especially Tucker, who is our baby with the restricted growth. They were monitored closely throughout the remainder of the pregnancy knowing that every day longer inside my body meant a slightly better chance at survival. We prayed every day for one more day, all while waiting for the day that they would tell us something was wrong and the boys would have to be delivered.
With several scares and hospital stays throughout, by the grace of God we made it to 33 weeks and 4 days. On that day, Tucker was not responding well to any of the fetal assessments and we had to have a C-section. Tucker’s side of the placenta had stopped providing his body with the blood and nourishment he needed to survive. When he was born, he was as white as a clean sheet of paper and was rushed to the NICU to receive a life-saving blood transfusion. Tucker was born weighing 3 lbs 7 oz and Forrest was 5 lbs and 4 oz. After 12 days in the NICU, Forrest came home. Leaving Tucker behind and alone was even harder than leaving without both of them the first time. Tucker remained in the NICU for another 12 days (24 days total) before our family was all together for the very first time. We have an older son who also needed his parents and because of COVID restrictions still in place was never able to come with us to the NICU which made splitting time at home and the NICU more challenging. Then, once one of the twins was home, and one was still at the NICU, my heart has never been more torn in trying to support and be what all of my children needed. It was the most difficult season of my life. However, we have three beautiful and healthy boys now and the twins are thriving despite how their journey started. We are thankful every day.”
