Love, Vilma
Dear NICU Mama,
Bravery sometimes looks like surviving - even though you’ve lost your footing. You never considered finding yourself asking for permission to touch your baby, but here you are. Bravery sometimes looks like putting your inner feelings aside and just waiting. Waiting to open the isolette door, waiting for ‘touch time’, and waiting for the chance to give your baby a kiss in which you try to convey the endless love you have for them.
Mama, bravery is speaking up and asking the nurse to prick the other foot, use a smaller lancet, or wait a little longer with the heating pack in order to minimize the squeezing. It’s dismissing the discomfort from your c-section to make sure you’ve made it for rounds to discuss blood levels, progress, or test results. It may also look like moving earth and trying to connect with any resource possible to make sure nothing is missed.
Bravery is also crying on the shoulders offered and questioning why this is happening. Being scared is not a weakness. It can help you find the strength inside to push forward in your role as a mom. Bravery is accepting that you cannot control the situation and that this is not your fault. (This one may take the longest to conquer, but you will get there.)
In the meantime, please take a minute to do something to refuel your tank which will give you more strength. That may look like getting your nails done, blow drying your hair, going to Target, or simply stepping away to grab dinner with your partner. The bravery in trusting that the nurses, doctors, and those that you leave behind to watch your baby will feel the hardest, but self-love is so incredibly important to help you feel a little bit like yourself.
You never imagined going home with medical equipment or a list of medications, but know that you’ve got this. Educating yourself by taking the CPR class, learning how to use equipment, and keeping track of all the medication times shows the bravery you have to tackle anything that comes your way. Bravery looks like you, a NICU mom.
Love,
Vilma
More of Vilma + Bradley’s NICU journey:
“On April 7th, we had a BBQ with friends as our “possible last weekend without baby” by our neighborhood pool. That night, I mentioned to my husband that I really didn’t feel the baby today. My mother-in-law happened to be in the area, stopped by and offered to take me to the hospital while my husband washed off from the BBQ.
My husband arrived at the hospital when the nurse came to my bedside and advised I was going to have an ultrasound performed as the heartbeat was irregular. Since I had been there before and ultrasounds can be performed in triage, I immediately knew that something was wrong as this was moving way too fast. The OB on call came in to greet me and said that he will decide whether to induce or perform a C-section after the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech arrived and the seriousness/tense atmosphere increased the more he kept trying to get the baby to move. He called the doctor and I was advised that I needed to go into the OR immediately as the biophysical was 2 out of 8. Bradley Xavier was born at 10:35PM – 2 hours upon arrival to L&D and at 38 weeks 5 days of my pregnancy.
When I was transferred into recovery, I remember the nurse saying that she needed him to fight her more, that he needed to be pinker. An hour or so later, he started getting “dusky” and he needed oxygen support. I was advised that he needed to be rushed into the NICU immediately and was rolled out with my husband to accompany him.
The neonatologist advised that he is requiring higher level of sugar on his IV than normal. His first week of life looked really promising as he was off the oxygen in a matter of days, we finally had a chance to hold him and we were trying to figure out how to wean off the dextrose. Then on day 6 of life, another bombshell. We walked into the NICU and were advised that he had an “episode, possible seizure overnight”. On May 7th, Bradley had his second MRI performed as well as an MRV and MRS. Two days later, three days before Mother’s Day, the floor was slipped under my feet once again. The MRI confirmed that Bradley suffered from significant, diffused white matter damage. There is no explanation as to why it occurred as its possible it happened in utero, but it was also a onetime injury as there was no additional progress that would indicate a disease. We were advised that he will have delays for all of his milestones but that we should be aggressive with early intervention.
Since Bradley had so much bloodwork done, at one point glucose testing was performed every hour, he became anemic. In order to move forward with the Gtube surgery, we had to do 2 rounds of blood cell transfusions. On May 21st, Bradley had surgery to add his Gtube. While in surgery, they noticed that he had an inguinal hernia which had his teste popping in and out of. The doctor closed it and performed his circumcision as well. 10 days later, on May 31st, Bradley was discharged from the NICU.”
