Love, Amanda
Dear NICU mama, You can celebrate your journey into parenthood and still long for the way you thought it would be before the trauma. You can celebrate your baby’s milestones and still long for those moments you thought you were going to have.
It’s okay to marvel at their growth and development, to be so grateful for every ounce of weight gained while being on a feeding tube, and still have your heart ache to hold them close and be able get the nourishment they need from breastfeeding.
It’s okay to muster up all the strength and optimism you have while visiting your baby in the NICU, to be so proud of their fight and resiliency, and then to completely fall apart when you leave because all you want is for your baby to be home with you.
You can celebrate exactly how far your baby has come and still long for things to be different, to be easier—for them and for you. You can feel over the moon that one of your babies is ready to come home and feel absolutely devastated that your other baby isn’t. You can feel joyous and depressed at the same time.
You may find yourself so thankful for medical intervention, for the gift of oxygen support, and still wish that your baby could breathe room air. You may think it’s just not fair that one of your babies is beating all of the odds while your other baby still requires significant support. You might feel guilty about these thoughts and then feel completely justified in experiencing them.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, to want more sleep, and to need a break. You are entitled to feel all of the emotions that come along with being a parent. It’s all okay. You are amazing and are doing the best you can—which is exactly what your baby needs. They just need you. You are enough. You are more than enough. And you’re not alone. You’ll get through this, mama.”
Love,
Amanda
More of Amanda + Audrey + Easton’s NICU journey:
“After three failed IUI attempts, my wife and I decided to try one more time with the help of letrozole. We were ecstatic to find out we were expecting twins! At 15 weeks we knew we were having a boy and a girl, and life never felt more perfect. I went in for my 20 week ultrasound and everything looked great. By the end of the week I was in the hospital with a high fever, bleeding, and preterm contractions. This was in March, so the immediate suspicion was that I had Covid. Once that was ruled out, I was given medicine to stop the contractions and was sent home on strict bed rest.
Over the next week I was in and out of the hospital with more bleeding and contractions. They didn’t want to keep me in the hospital because of Covid. Finally my cervix started shrinking quite rapidly, so I was admitted. Unfortunately I was completely alone because they weren’t allowing visitors. After a week of so many drugs, including high amounts of magnesium, I went into full labor and needed an emergency C-section at 23 weeks and 2 days. I was told to prepare myself to say goodbye to my babies. Thankfully my wife was able to get to the hospital in time for the delivery. Within three minutes of their arrival, Audrey and Easton were able to be intubated. After their birth it was determined that I had chorioamnionitis.
Easton had a grade three brain bleed, and Audrey’s lungs were severely underdeveloped. It was very rocky during those first few weeks. Slowly but surely they were both able to wean off their medications, start taking breast milk, and eventually wean down on their oxygen support. We had some scares with ROP, pneumonia and sepsis, but both babies were able to make it through the NICU without surgery. Easton came home after 146 days with zero support—no oxygen and no feeding tube. Audrey came home at 176 days with an NG tube and on 1/2 liter of oxygen. Ten days after joining her brother at home, Audrey was admitted to the PICU with acute pulmonary hypertension and almost ended up re-intubated. Her lungs were aspirating when she attempted PO feeds. After nine days her symptoms were managed with increased oxygen support at 3/4 of a liter and no oral feeding attempts. Her lungs just need more time to develop.
Audrey and Easton have been home together for almost two months now, and we’ve found our new normal. They’re both gaining weight beautifully, have a team of specialists monitoring them, and are getting OT and PT weekly. Despite all of the challenges they face, they’re both happy babies, very alert and aware. We are beyond grateful for the care we received at the hospital and for the determination of the NICU staff so that we could be parents to our miracle babies!”
