Love, Vanessa

“Dear NICU mama, I see how much courage it took for you to smile today. I see how hard it was to keep your tears back, and I see the hard decisions you have to make. I see you and think of you every day. You’ve truly entered a sisterhood of some of the most supportive people in the world.

I see how difficult this adjustment was for you. No one ever anticipates that the NICU will be a part of their story. Like a story there will be ups and there will be downs, but we are all here to help you through this. Please remember, it’s okay to feel your feelings.

I see you get out of bed for your baby and walk into the hospital with your fresh c-section scar or any other scars that you should be resting with. And let me tell you, you are doing amazing. Just like your new precious baby, you are a fearless warrior who will not stop fighting.

I see the strength it takes to simply wake up in the morning. Know that it’s okay to not have strong days, and it’s okay to break down and wish your story was going the way you always imagined. It’s okay to sleep in and miss a day of rounds, and it’s okay to hang out in the NICU in your PJs and not take your slippers off.

I see you as you sit in rounds confused at the words being said, trying to remember your baby’s weight, each new medical term, and fishing for questions to ask. Please be easy on yourself. You are not a neurosurgeon and it’s okay to ask questions when you are unsure.

I see you struggling with your milk supply while the 5th consultant that week keeps telling you the same messages of ‘stay calm’ and ‘drink more water’. If you decide to formula feed in the NICU, know that it’s okay. Take your time mama.

There is no right or wrong way to get through this journey. Just know that you are one tough mama. I hear you and I see you.”

Love,
Vanessa

More of Vanessa + her daughter’s NICU Journey:

“My sweet girl was born at 30 weeks. I went into the hospital at 7:30am and was advised we needed an emergency c section asap due to her placenta back flowing. Our girl entered the world at 12:30pm and that’s when our journey began. I was not able to see my baby until 7pm that night. I couldn’t hold her and I remember uncomfortably putting my hand in her incubator to touch her and I was so scared I would hurt her little 3lb body.

That evening while I was in my hospital room, I got a call that they found a ruptured encephalocele on my baby’s head that no one saw prior. She was then transferred to a different hospital and I was helpless at the hospital unable to leave. That night my other half called me and told me that she was going to need neurosurgery and that the drs would ultimately decide in the morning. That morning we got word she needed the surgery and they might not be able to wait for me to arrive. I begged the hospital to discharge me given the circumstances and they did. At 1 day of life, our baby underwent neurosurgery in which the surgeon had never completed the procedure on a baby this premature — the longest 3 hours of our life. But on this day I learned how resilient babies are.

We could not hold her until 1 week of life, but that first hold feel was worth the wait. I will never forget the day her bandages came off her head about 2 weeks post op. This was a pain I will never forget, but let me tell you, our baby did not let the pain get to her. We spent our journey in 3 different NICUS, and met so many amazing nurses and Drs. We spent 39 days in the NICU total (including my birthday, and the nurses took the time to bring me gifts, and sing to me— during the 3rd wave of covid!!! True super heroes).

Despite the uncertainty of how our baby would grow and develop, she’s a growing machine and continues to push her self daily. We were advised to terminate on multiple occasions, the last time being at 29 weeks during her last ultra sound due to an absent Septum Pellucidum. She truly wanted to prove everyone wrong following her last ultra sound, and roared right into the world! To this day I remember every single one of our nurses names. And although I don’t see them now, I truly miss them. They build our babies up and they are extraordinary human beings. I found Dear NICU Mama during the last couple weeks of my journey, this is when I learned I was not alone and that it’s okay to not be okay and I’m forever grateful for this family.”